Good on you for writing this. My story mirrors yours in a couple of ways; I'm also a second generation child whose parents immigrated to a more affluent Western country. After graduation from a very prestigious college in the U.S., I experienced a severe depression that left me unemployed and more or less disabled for about a year. What followed was a journey of volunteering, minimum wage jobs, questioning my self worth, and taking life one step at a time.
I grew up in a fairly nondescript suburb and had a mostly normal childhood, but my parents were like fire and water in their own ways. My mother was a social butterfly if anything- she learned English surprisingly fast and was just as accepted in American spaces as in immigrant ones. My father was the bookish, educated type with a quiet disposition. But both of them were capable of intensely terrifying displays of emotion when pushed, which they succeeded at doing with each other quite frequently. They were at each other's throats for most of my entire childhood and young adulthood, although it has mellowed a tiny bit as of this writing.
It wasn't that they were incapable of emotion or support; if anything, my mother was never afraid of saying "I love you". Unfortunately, this usually only happened after we'd had a fight over something or other, and when you are a second-generation immigrant getting into fights with your parents, it is like bringing a knife to a gun fight. The "I love you"s, while important, seemed to lose their comfort when they were accompanied by unpredictable mood changes and outbursts of anger (sometimes getting physical, though this was thankfully rare.)
Being around eggshells with them all the time probably didn't help me being an introvert and being shy to the point of anxiety, which did not help my ability to date, make friends, or form any kind of meaningful human relationship for a long time. I am pretty fortunate that many of my friendships were initiated by other people who took the time to get to know me despite me being a shy, awkward kid back then, and I'm grateful for that.
After doing well in high school and being accepted to college, I will be the first to admit that I let myself go, academically and socially. I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted for the first time in a while, but I found that that freedom mattered little when I hadn't really built up healthy studying and self-affirmation habits, or how to interact with other human beings. I spent a lot of time in my room watching youtube videos and being jealous of people who were making friends, getting good grades, and being chosen for prestigious internships. This all came to a head after graduation. What triggered it was something minor- I think it was looking at a friend's facebook or linkedin profile- but I remember something in me just snapping. And then I broke for a year.
I won't bore you with the details of the therapy, the fights, the long days and nights looking for jobs and trying not to be bitter and feeling like my life was over. My parents were actually supportive for longer than I expected, but as Alphonse Daudet wrote, "Pain is always new to the sufferer, but loses its originality for those around him". There was a limit to their patience and when I didn't simply just get better, there were some bitter fights that dwarfed anything in my childhood. I will not deny that I came close to touching some dark places during that time.
It has been years since then. I have picked up the pieces, a little bit. I managed to get a job in a big city- not a well-paid one, but it was better than staying in bed all day. I am now in a pretty good grad school, where the same concerns about not being as well off as my friends and classmates and peers is rearing its head, even as I acknowledge the progress it took to get to that point. Perhaps even more so, now that I am at the age where marriage and houses and kids are on the table. I also experienced some health concerns and had to realize that my body is not as invincible as it used to be at 17.
To a certain degree, I have also had to accept the role of my culture in my depression while at the same time letting it go. As Gordon Livingston famously said, the statute of limitations has expired on most of our childhood traumas. I would be lying if I said I have entirely forgiven my family for not being the family I wished I could have had, but I also know with the benefit of hindsight that I'm aware both of them loved me in their own ways and were doing the best they could. It has also helped that I have become aware that no one- American, Asian, African- is immune from mental health distress. I read a lot of David Burns, Tara Brach, and Marcus Aurelius. I saw a bunch of therapists (some of which were more helpful than others). I had to learn to keep looking straight ahead. I still do sometimes. My most recent substack post is on mental health. It's still an ongoing journey.
Feel free to ask me any questions if you need more info.
Thank you so much for sharing this!! I think hearing other immigrant stories make us feel less alone and "wierd" because that is how we feel our whole life growing up in a different culture. I hear you about your experiences (the I love yous definately come with strings). I'm glad to hear you are doing better!! It's so hard being vulnerable so I really commend you for writing this and hope the vulnerability slowly heals you like it does for me. I will definately be looking into those recommendations! ♥️
Thank you for the kind words. Hope you are doing better too.
I have trouble recommending specific books for mental health because everyone's situation is slightly different, but I think Burns is overall pretty good and you could definitely do worse.
I think the specific resource matters less than simply having the will to keep searching for resources no matter how tired you get.
As a first-generation Asian American, I would say that my upbringing created a lot of frustration in this regard because we were a 'sweep everything under the rug and pretend it's fine' household. I was much more explosive and angry, but I also found solace in reading, writing, theatre, and music. Eventually, I got into self-help or self-development which greatly transformed my outlook on life and helped me navigate my feelings and forgive everyone involved. xo
Yeah it's a bit moment when you realise you parents are just human. I think a lot of us immigrant kids turn to the creative space to escape reality. Thankfully we have access to self help and mental health information so we can break the cycle.
As a person of Chinese heritage myself, I have noticed that my mental health has definitely been influenced by the lack of emotional sensitivity from my parents growing up. With time, I understand they also haven't been taught to tend to emotional needs, mine and theirs. I still find it hard to take time for myself but I also know what happens if I don't.
Yeah we learn from our upbringing and it's a hard pattern to break. Therapy has definately made me more emotionally open and now I cry all the time haha. Thank you for sharing! ♥️
Have you noticed any cultural influences on your mental health?
I never thought about it. But mental health was not even considered a thing when I was growing up. I'm originally from Slovakia, where I lived for the first 19 years of my life. I went to a psychologist when my parents were divorcing, but that was because I was doing all sorts of crazy teenage things. They prescribed medication, and that was about most of the help given.
Since I've lived in the UK, I turn to counselling once after my Dad's passing. I was unable to process his suicide on my own. I could not comprehend it, and his death had turned my life upside down. He would have never considered getting professional help, which he needed.
Based on my experiences, I’d say it could be cultural
Thank you for sharing Jana, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's passing. I think Slovakia might have similar culture to Chinese where mental health was never acknowledged and heavily stigmatised. Even if you wanted to talk about it in secret therapists and psychologists were not very accessible to everyday citizens so there was no healthy outlet. What's sad is mental health illness feels so alone but it's actually a universal feeling many experience in short or long periods in life. Although the internet has many issues, I'm grateful it has allowed us to connect and share our stories ♥️
Good on you for writing this. My story mirrors yours in a couple of ways; I'm also a second generation child whose parents immigrated to a more affluent Western country. After graduation from a very prestigious college in the U.S., I experienced a severe depression that left me unemployed and more or less disabled for about a year. What followed was a journey of volunteering, minimum wage jobs, questioning my self worth, and taking life one step at a time.
I grew up in a fairly nondescript suburb and had a mostly normal childhood, but my parents were like fire and water in their own ways. My mother was a social butterfly if anything- she learned English surprisingly fast and was just as accepted in American spaces as in immigrant ones. My father was the bookish, educated type with a quiet disposition. But both of them were capable of intensely terrifying displays of emotion when pushed, which they succeeded at doing with each other quite frequently. They were at each other's throats for most of my entire childhood and young adulthood, although it has mellowed a tiny bit as of this writing.
It wasn't that they were incapable of emotion or support; if anything, my mother was never afraid of saying "I love you". Unfortunately, this usually only happened after we'd had a fight over something or other, and when you are a second-generation immigrant getting into fights with your parents, it is like bringing a knife to a gun fight. The "I love you"s, while important, seemed to lose their comfort when they were accompanied by unpredictable mood changes and outbursts of anger (sometimes getting physical, though this was thankfully rare.)
Being around eggshells with them all the time probably didn't help me being an introvert and being shy to the point of anxiety, which did not help my ability to date, make friends, or form any kind of meaningful human relationship for a long time. I am pretty fortunate that many of my friendships were initiated by other people who took the time to get to know me despite me being a shy, awkward kid back then, and I'm grateful for that.
After doing well in high school and being accepted to college, I will be the first to admit that I let myself go, academically and socially. I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted for the first time in a while, but I found that that freedom mattered little when I hadn't really built up healthy studying and self-affirmation habits, or how to interact with other human beings. I spent a lot of time in my room watching youtube videos and being jealous of people who were making friends, getting good grades, and being chosen for prestigious internships. This all came to a head after graduation. What triggered it was something minor- I think it was looking at a friend's facebook or linkedin profile- but I remember something in me just snapping. And then I broke for a year.
I won't bore you with the details of the therapy, the fights, the long days and nights looking for jobs and trying not to be bitter and feeling like my life was over. My parents were actually supportive for longer than I expected, but as Alphonse Daudet wrote, "Pain is always new to the sufferer, but loses its originality for those around him". There was a limit to their patience and when I didn't simply just get better, there were some bitter fights that dwarfed anything in my childhood. I will not deny that I came close to touching some dark places during that time.
It has been years since then. I have picked up the pieces, a little bit. I managed to get a job in a big city- not a well-paid one, but it was better than staying in bed all day. I am now in a pretty good grad school, where the same concerns about not being as well off as my friends and classmates and peers is rearing its head, even as I acknowledge the progress it took to get to that point. Perhaps even more so, now that I am at the age where marriage and houses and kids are on the table. I also experienced some health concerns and had to realize that my body is not as invincible as it used to be at 17.
To a certain degree, I have also had to accept the role of my culture in my depression while at the same time letting it go. As Gordon Livingston famously said, the statute of limitations has expired on most of our childhood traumas. I would be lying if I said I have entirely forgiven my family for not being the family I wished I could have had, but I also know with the benefit of hindsight that I'm aware both of them loved me in their own ways and were doing the best they could. It has also helped that I have become aware that no one- American, Asian, African- is immune from mental health distress. I read a lot of David Burns, Tara Brach, and Marcus Aurelius. I saw a bunch of therapists (some of which were more helpful than others). I had to learn to keep looking straight ahead. I still do sometimes. My most recent substack post is on mental health. It's still an ongoing journey.
Feel free to ask me any questions if you need more info.
Thank you so much for sharing this!! I think hearing other immigrant stories make us feel less alone and "wierd" because that is how we feel our whole life growing up in a different culture. I hear you about your experiences (the I love yous definately come with strings). I'm glad to hear you are doing better!! It's so hard being vulnerable so I really commend you for writing this and hope the vulnerability slowly heals you like it does for me. I will definately be looking into those recommendations! ♥️
Thank you for the kind words. Hope you are doing better too.
I have trouble recommending specific books for mental health because everyone's situation is slightly different, but I think Burns is overall pretty good and you could definitely do worse.
I think the specific resource matters less than simply having the will to keep searching for resources no matter how tired you get.
Thats true. Never give up!
As a first-generation Asian American, I would say that my upbringing created a lot of frustration in this regard because we were a 'sweep everything under the rug and pretend it's fine' household. I was much more explosive and angry, but I also found solace in reading, writing, theatre, and music. Eventually, I got into self-help or self-development which greatly transformed my outlook on life and helped me navigate my feelings and forgive everyone involved. xo
Yeah it's a bit moment when you realise you parents are just human. I think a lot of us immigrant kids turn to the creative space to escape reality. Thankfully we have access to self help and mental health information so we can break the cycle.
What an astute observation! Thanks.
Thank you for sharing!! ♥️
As a person of Chinese heritage myself, I have noticed that my mental health has definitely been influenced by the lack of emotional sensitivity from my parents growing up. With time, I understand they also haven't been taught to tend to emotional needs, mine and theirs. I still find it hard to take time for myself but I also know what happens if I don't.
Yeah we learn from our upbringing and it's a hard pattern to break. Therapy has definately made me more emotionally open and now I cry all the time haha. Thank you for sharing! ♥️
Have you noticed any cultural influences on your mental health?
I never thought about it. But mental health was not even considered a thing when I was growing up. I'm originally from Slovakia, where I lived for the first 19 years of my life. I went to a psychologist when my parents were divorcing, but that was because I was doing all sorts of crazy teenage things. They prescribed medication, and that was about most of the help given.
Since I've lived in the UK, I turn to counselling once after my Dad's passing. I was unable to process his suicide on my own. I could not comprehend it, and his death had turned my life upside down. He would have never considered getting professional help, which he needed.
Based on my experiences, I’d say it could be cultural
Thank you for sharing Jana, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's passing. I think Slovakia might have similar culture to Chinese where mental health was never acknowledged and heavily stigmatised. Even if you wanted to talk about it in secret therapists and psychologists were not very accessible to everyday citizens so there was no healthy outlet. What's sad is mental health illness feels so alone but it's actually a universal feeling many experience in short or long periods in life. Although the internet has many issues, I'm grateful it has allowed us to connect and share our stories ♥️